| Drag Names to Live For!
Lois Carmen Denominator
Tequila Mockingbird
Helena Handbasket
Hester Rectomy
Summer Clearance
Patty O. Furniture
Grace Anatomy
Layonna Mattress
Amber Dexterous
Ida Slapter
Della Kay Tessen
Kay Why
Kay Mart
Kay Tell
Kay Whole
Penny Pincher
Penny Candy
Penny Saver
Polly Neeshyan
Dinah Cancer
Liz Terrine
Ginger Vitis
Frida Choose
Robin Graves
Hedda Household
Hedda State
Hedda DeClass
Lita Parade
Sharon Needles
Beth Israel
Carol Gardens
Grace Papaya
Pepper Mills
April Fresh
Bess Wishes
and mine personal , Sophonda Cox.
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| I would not dare to preach on such a subject, cannot judge, have been through it, yet am publishing this letter to my (undisclosed) ex (who doesn't read this) in hopes that it may reach someone who is struggling or might be thinking that they are struggling with a chemical dependency. I wish I could have seen today's blog entry-2 years ago before life to this point unabashedly slipped through my fingers like sand. Nothing for despair, however, I will write my last Sunday's miracle for the next entry. I need to ensure- for the crystal clear message as all of the events unfolded themselves- every word is as perfect as what happened. But for now, here is the hard truth. A letter to my ex, who left as a result of my alcohol and isolated behavior:
It's been a while since
you made the brave and admirable move from what had become both a
downward spiral and a sad loss of the wonderful life we had tried to
make together. This letter may be hard to write, possibly hard to
read, but it must be done because it must be said: there are no
words to adequately say 'I'm sorry' than those themselves, and to
thank you for sticking in as long as you were humanly able to
function with the abuse and emotional abandonment of you. I'm Sorry
for not being there when you needed someone, and I am so so sorry for
being what I had become. You deserved and deserve much better.
I can't possibly sum up
all my thoughts in this letter, but I'm confident that it will be the
last time we have communication together. I have taken the
steps to leave alcohol and drugs behind, and focus on a clean and
healthy future. The part of that i regret is that you had to go
through more than i did for so long, and i can see so clearly now
that you put in so much of yourself, despite the abuse I threw your way. You
were such a Pal, and you deserve a real Pal to have too. As much as
I needed to, I couldn't see that you were right 90% of the time, probably more. You
were hopeless to be able to help, and it would have been
impossible for you to have. At the height of my addictions, so I am
learning, the loved ones of an alcoholic or an addict are powerless and
unfortunately at the brunt of the downfall- picking up the slack
where it is left off, and forced to witness the self-destruction of
their loved one. Now that I am sober, I have been thinking about
what we had, of what I destroyed and what we lost. Also, more so,
how you may have taken it. I really am proud of you for leaving for
a better life, and I am sure you will succeed and will continue find
much happiness. You had no part whatsoever in my poor decisions.
You were always willing to try to be there as much as you could. You
put in more of yourself than i deserved. And you are just an
amazing person. I am taking with me the fond memories of our early
days, and taking also the hard lesson of our later days. I am taking
the fond memories of your love and devotion, and I am keeping these
close. I wish you everything. I wish you love and happiness.
in my thoughts and prayers,
D
Again, if only I had been able to see the future. I believe that the word 'addiction' and 'dependency' have been overused in this day and age, and their meanings have been watered down. There is a greater key here which if I want to remember as clearly as I see it now must write: February was the turning point.
February was my turning point. As much as I 'needed' to love my ex, or 'needed' to be loved, I felt neither. I felt neither loved or love at all. I may have been either so detached, or so distrusting that I ignored the one who loved me - who was 24/7 right there with me! It took three coincidences, and one miracle to get me to a point of understanding all that I missed in the partnership, id est, all that I lost.
Self love is not self- evident. I believe it is understood eventually. Usually the hard way.
The miracle is next.
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| Note to self: Get your friggin YouTube ideas on camera. Friends don't care for the big screen? Then the next step is to find some much more interesting friends. Inspiration can be a passing breeze. Now figure out what to do with these gusting winds. And step to it
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| I've decided that experience is the acceleration of being.
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